It is not everyday, that we come to this point of exploration of our selves. Some time back, I spoke on this subject already. In fact, I have spoken on this subject several times already. And why should I not, for these might be, if they are not already, important lessons of life. Self-discovery. I feel as if I repeat what I have yet to blurt out, that I am trying to say. Trying far too hard sometimes, seemingly. And still.
Anyway. Last night, I dared to speak a pox upon the winter this year. And how strange it was. Personification of a season. Totally human, though. And still.
Alas, it is not, what I wanted to speak to ou about. What I want to talk about, is in fact, change. Change of the selve. By your own, but even stronger by other hands. A very long time ago, for it feels like it was, even if it wasn´t, I spoke on the problem of reflecting oneself. The mirror problem. How, even if you reflect, the mirror only shows you the selve, that you are, not the flaws or any kind of problem or point, but a mere reflection of things. Nothing else. So, I do not wish to revisit that, but rather speak on something that takes of from somethere between. For you see, last night, if not these past weeks, months, nay, years even, I believe to slowly but surely take an effect. For how long this will last, no one can say. Change is everlasting yet only a constant in it´s own instant. In other words, like everything, it will not be for long. It will fade, and if other parts of personality, other traits repeat itself, seem more comfortable, it would be far too easy, to retake them, and regain an old form. But I´d like to believe, at least for tonight, for this moment. That change was and is done. Though of course, this begs the question, of WHY?
Unlike science, change for it´s own sake is feasible yet ultimately pointless, for it is unfullfilling. A lie unto itself, if you will. On the other hand it enables the self. If not the other. The further and further I come, the more I seem to feel the need, to wonder about my decisions. Who knows, it might be a fad or a current alone, but why not think about psychology. I feel the need to study it. Pointless, at the moment. As Caesar himself once knew and Tacitus wrote, "The dice is cast.", however these are not the ancient times. This is not Rome before me, but another kind of challenge. I´d wish for it to be Rome. Right now, it feels as if taking on the romans would have been much easier, but that is always said in hindsight and the knowledge of his ultimate defeat does not escape me. It shall never. I will not reveal the kind of self-discovery made totally. There are, as always, parts to the self, that need to be kept. Not under wraps, for I...no, I shall abandon that, it is ridiciulous. Some things are not meant to be known. By others. To raise ourselves to a cliff, or, say, a mountain upon which to rest and judge the world, is to invite the darkness of the abyss into the soul. And thus, it has sneaked into my words, like a thief in the night, a snake to bite, the assassin to strike. No matter, not today nor anyday in the foreseeable future. Other tasks are at hand and their fulfillment shall be the last thing standing in my way. I shall have my future as I point to it. I can have it no other way. Or can I? Once on the road, you should not start to rudder back, if you´ve finished more than half the trip. But what if this trip is Life´s End? It cannot be. Therefore it shall not. Never. I long for ....words fail my longings. For now, I long for an endless future. Immortality is manifold, yet I amount myself not to demand, but to take it. I shall live endless, or shan´t live at all.